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My questions to you, reader, are these: have you experienced those moments of uncertainty and if so, how did you handle them? How do handle moments of tension and things being unresolved and how long is it ok for them to last? I think it would be even more helpful to hear the answers to those questions from people across the dating spectrum – single, dating, engaged, married…in a time where we want to show the best parts/happiest moments of our lives, how do you practically work through the hard parts? I’d welcome any comments, stories, or feedback – thank you for ‘listening.’ ??
I’m a woman in my late 30s. I’m currently single and looking for something real. I’m not interested in FWB or a hookup at this point. I’m not necessarily looking for looking for someone who will want to be together. The issue? Where do I find someone? I’ve tried the apps – Bumble, Match, Plenty of Fish. I’ve asked my friends, almost all of whom are happily in relationships. I’ve joined new and different activities. I’ve met some RevisГµes do collarspace guys. I’ve gone on some dates. And, in a lot of situations, they’re “married but unhappy.” That’s not for me.
It’s been a solid two years that I’ve been looking for a potential partner, after working on myself to be the “best me I can be” with therapy and self-reflection. I’ve been both active and passive in my looking. And it’s frustrating to put myself out there and consistently get the same result. I mean, at what point does it become actual insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Most recently, I matched with someone on Bumble. We chatted on the app for a while, exchanged numbers to start texting, and he was the one that initiated actual phone conversations and FaceTime. I was excited about this prospect – single, never ily-oriented. The issue? He was always too busy to meet for a real date. The final straw? He blocked me! Two days after we had an awesome FaceTime conversation. I just wanted to try and make plans to actually meet in person. What’s upsetting was that he was always very honest and open about being busy and his life situation. Just when I thought I had found someone/something worth pursuing, it ended the same way as all the others. I’m getting frustrated and disappointed. I know there are people out there, but where are they? I’m doing all the typical things and not getting any results. What am I missing?
We’re focusing the second season of the Love Letters podcast on this very issue – meeting people – so I might have different and better answers in a few months. For now, all I can tell you is that you’re not overlooking some magic way to meet a partner. So much of this is about luck and other intangible things. I wish it were easier.
That “insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result” quote doesn’t hold up when it comes to dating. It sort of doesn’t hold up, in general, but it makes no sense at all when it comes to meeting people. And remember: You’re not doing the same thing over and over. Every time you hop on an app or ask a friend for a setup, you’re fine-tuning the process.
